Dream Job

This article was originally posted on my site thatsmyapple.com. Visit there for more pieces from Eve (IAteYourDamn) Apple.

If there was a job which required sleeping all the time, I’d apply for it. I’d apply for it and I’d get it because I’m the best damn sleeper that I’ve ever met. Even as a little girl I was extremely fond of sleeping. Not too many children ask to take naps but I did.

In fact, I can go to bed at 8:00 pm and not wake up again until 10 or 11 the next morning. And even then, I’m ready to go back to bed at a drop of a dime. A perfect day to me would involve laying in bed, eating, laying in bed some more, cuddling in bed with the kid, reading a book, eating, napping, eating, cuddling, having sex, and finally, going to sleep for the night.

You might call me lazy but I would like to point out that Nostradamus said that the world will be ending in just 3 short years from now and I think that we should all be doing what we enjoy in the meantime. Now to you, granola and a six mile hike may be enjoyable. Or maybe you like to fill your days working hard and accomplishing things. But the thought of all of that just makes me exhausted and cranky.

So, in this time of struggle, when our economy is going to shit and people are getting laid off left and right, I think it’s time to propose a few new career options. Just remember, more jobs would be good for the economy.

1. Mattress Model– Employee will spend days asleep on the beds in our furniture store. Job includes convincing customers how comfortable our mattresses are. Must be able to sleep in busy, noisy environment. Applicant must be an “attractive sleeper”. Snoring, drooling, fidgety sleepers need not apply.

2. Professional Dreamer– Must be able to remember dreams with precise accuracy. Employee will sleep for an average of 7 hours per day and the last hour will involve recording dreams, interpreting their meanings and calling local, state, and federal agencies to share prophecies about current and future events. They find this sort of information invaluable. Some television time on FOX and CNN may be required. Must have strong psychic abilities or a background in sales.

3. Rich Man’s Wife– Sleeping is only part of this job! Other duties include supervising the hired help, complaining and occasionally giving birth.

4. Marijuana Tester– Main duties do not include sleeping but occasionally passing out on the couch is a necessary and expected part of the job.

So there you go, four jobs that call for Professional Sleepers. I’m sure I could think of some more but right now, I’m just too tired and my bed is softly whispering my name- “Eve, Eve, come lay with me,” and I must heed the call.

This article was originally posted on my site thatsmyapple.com. Visit there for more pieces from Eve (IAteYourDamn) Apple.


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